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Cheap Pet Tricks
I have two cats. I like dogs, too, but the cats demurred about inter-species dating. I'm not in charge here, and the cats, as those things are wont to do, have control issues. The cats provide endless hours of entertainment serving up fodder for debate about just *what* that hair ball might have begun life as. But that's another column. I have other pets.

A whole zoo of them. Pet peeves are at least as entertaining as cats, and they have the additional perquisite of not having digestive systems. Well, unless you want to get metaphorical. I have an online account with a company that shall remain nameless, for ethical reasons, and this company provides me with an endless stampede of pet peeves. I have many nasty things to say about this company, but that can wait. This company (let's call it DOL -- Dildos Online) has installed on the latest version of their software, along with a number of other bells and whistles I neither need nor want, the ability for individual members to hunt down other system subscribers, heretofore unknown to the hunter, on the basis of a single word within the prey's profile. This search feature then tells the hunter if the prey is online at the time of the search, allowing Mars Apollo to send private, often insulting, invitations to total strangers asking them to engage in an infinite variety of distasteful activities.

Now this feature might be helpful to people using the service for some sort of legitimate end, like hunting for lost relatives, or tracking down fellow Republicans to solicit domestic contributions to their candidates. Also a distasteful activity, but still.

But what *I* get are straight men (ok, I'm not sure about the maturity of these people) who have *way* too much time on their hands. Well, on *one* hand. The other one is apparently busy off the keyboard somewhere.

Here's a sample of the kind of sparkling dialogue that these wastrels pester me with:

NtfarfrmComa: I a man. I will want has sex with a lizbean.

CaroleTayl: I truly, sincerely doubt that that is necessarily an eventuality. There is no such animal as a "lizbean". But I do take it you are into bestiality.

NtfarfrmComa: Huh?

CaroleTayl: I don't know you. You can't spell. You don't know what a delete key is for. You are beyond social or grammatical redemption. Please go away.

NtfarfrmComa: Huh?

CaroleTayl: Go away.

NtfarfrmComa: You cyber with me?

(OK, I think. I'm bored. I'll talk to this idiot because I might be able to help him become an adult, might bring a bit of light into his obviously shallow and murky mind. I am assuming, of course, that he has one.)

CaroleTayl: You seem to be confused. I realize that you used the word "lesbian" as your search criterion, had you been able to spell it that first time, and you think you know what a lesbian is. It's apparent that you do not. Lesbians, by definition, don't have sex with men. Not in real life, not on a computer. God alone would be able to suspect what gratification you could possibly get from *typing* a debatable sexual act, but that's another conversation. And no doubt, *some* lesbians in their lives have by circumstances been driven to have sex with men, either by dearth of available and identifiable lesbians close enough to be willing, or by peer pressure enforcing their idea of "compulsory" heterosexuality, but it's not really due to what anyone with common sense would call free will. What you are looking for is a *bisexual* woman. Try that as your search criterion.

(What he is really looking for is a *desperate* bisexual woman, but I don't say that.)

NtfarfrmComa: Huh?

Of course, neither his comprehension level nor his typing improve, and I have to smack myself in my codependent head and let this helpless, hapless adolescent (no matter his age) male soul flit off into the vast unwashed abyss no more enlightened than when he arrived, uninvited, into my life. Yet another soul lost to the support of ENDA and us getting married in Hawaii.

WHERE do straight men GET the idea that lesbians are God's gift to them for their personal fantasy entertainment? The one entire set of women whose sole mission in life is to say NO to these bastards on any and all occasions, and thus cause a modicum of male introspection, are transformed by some mental alchemy into the very thing that we are not: available. Surely no lesbian ever spawned this idea. I've heard this concept voiced from many otherwise intelligent, and often seemingly caring straight men. My brother, even. (Not that *I* be available to him, but that lesbians as a class might be.)

Godnose, my parents didn't tell him this. If lesbians had been a topic in my house, surely my parents would have shared this tidbit with me as well, since I had the only need of it. (They always liked Tommy best...)

Use some other, less helpful Web search engine than the one here and type in the word "lesbian" and see what you get. You have to sift through *thousands* of sites of straight male pornography to find anything about real lesbians. If ONLY there were as many lesbians out there as this search would indicate. If only they all really looked like that. :) If only they listed their email addresses. Not for *me*, understand. I'm booked solid. I'm married. To a woman. We did the ceremony in front of the IRS Building with thousands of other folk who wanted to make a statement during the 1993 March on Washington.

But that's another column. In the meantime, I remain a confirmed lesbian: I don't have sex with men. Although I will do my best to improve a man's mind, one lost one at a time. Maybe at some point education will outdistance bullheaded insanity, and straight men will *get* the concept that all women were not put on this Earth for their private, twisted little uses. Now do you want to know how I *really* feel?


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